Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
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Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
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Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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