so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
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she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
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My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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