her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
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you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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