my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
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Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
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THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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