That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize