so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
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