ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
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Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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