So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
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Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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