Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize