What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize