It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
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Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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