I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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