if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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