last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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