Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
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You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
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That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize