just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
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Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
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I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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