instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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