I can't breathe out the right side of my face
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize