Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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