before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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