actually, I'm a sock model
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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