recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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