I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize