The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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