he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
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I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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