I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
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Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
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that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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