I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
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All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
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I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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