I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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