I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize