ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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