She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
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So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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