I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
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so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
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For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize