Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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