he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
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I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
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It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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