I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
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Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
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If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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