Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
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then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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