Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
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I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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