i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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