The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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