Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
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I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
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You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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