If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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