Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
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I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
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His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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