I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
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i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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