I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
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She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The uberlube is also flammable
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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