shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
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Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
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I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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