My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
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woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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