Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ATM looks so different sober.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize