I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize