Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
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I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
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Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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