I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
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i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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